Embracing the Pain

The beginning of many experiences on the journey leading to spiritual, emotional, and mental peace begin with emotional pain. Once the pain and suffering becomes uncomfortable or intolerable enough, we will start to seek relief and help. By the time the severity of our discomfort is acknowledged and help is sought, the pain many experience has been ruminating in our spirit and effecting our physical health, social relationships, and emotional and mental health.

If you have found yourself seeking help after your drug and alcohol consumption have caused you enough strife to admit you suffer without an outside substance; you have found your depression and anxiety has begun effecting your life to a point of seeking relief; or have found your compulsive thinking has begun to effect you sexually, socially, and often financially, and in spite of all solutions tried thus far you still find yourself suffering, do not be discouraged. Your seemingly incurable pain and suffering may just be the signs needed to begin the journey to your spiritual experience. A Spiritual Solution is the only answer to our Spiritual Suffering.

Do not be discouraged for many of us living today in the light of peace and security know this pain and hopelessness was the beginning of facing and identifying our underlying fears allowing us to understand our underlying hurt, pain, and frustration that effects our ability to live fully and completely at peace from the inside out – no matter what.

Many of us need help, guidance, and proof it worked for another in order to have hope that they too can be changed. So if this is you, email for our Zoom meeting information and find a meeting that is right for you.

I know a guy who has lived a spiritually awakened life for 40 years who speaks of “a little guy on his shoulder.” That guy on his shoulder others call a voice in their head, their conscience, their thoughts, their “stinking thinking” and other names for what can be our greatest enemy and our greatest power. The silent enemy can be the most deadly which is why those suffering greatly enough to seek help, are in a better off position as they may have a chance to experience a freedom that some will never know they are missing out on. Some do not believe the freedom of Recovery exist and even more sad for my spirit, some do not believe it will work for them. It can and will work for you if sought! This is a truth that millions have experienced work and I hope if you are suffering in any way you too seek a spiritual experience to solve all of your fears and suffering. We will help you for Free so do not let that stop you!!!!

“Learning to name our fears and understanding the underlying pain and hurt and frustration that cause us to shun away from living fully and completely is our aim. Seeing the many faces of fear and not denying or suppressing them is the healthiest way to change our…” — drop the rock.

~Hollywood and Vine Recovery Center

AA meetings directly contradict the text and Truth of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous

There is a program out there, gifted to those afflicted with the disease of alcoholism, that is the answer to ALL of our spiritual suffering. One of the founders of this program, Bill W., had a spiritual experience and was then divinely directed to write the book-titled Alcoholics Anonymous-which has gone on to help so many recover. According to the founders of the program, those of us gifted with recovery are responsible to be there for all of those suffering-especially Alcoholics. One of the many direct contradictions newcomers to our program are experiencing….are there are not many recovered members or ex-problem drinkers left! Only those that can tell you exactly how to manage your physical sobriety with directions that did not come from the “God-consciousness within.” Directions like 90 meetings in 90 days, getting commitments, take a spot check inventory…anything and everything other than the program of Recovery as laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Over the years, changes were approved to bring us even further from Recovery which is why I am so grateful, for the original text and foundation of the program.

This program of Recovery has been condensed down and outright overlooked. To quote Dr. Montgomery “People are joining the fellowship of AA and not surrendering to the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous.” Dr. Montgomery has a recovery date today that goes back over 62 years and having had the privilege of attending meetings and working with many of the 12-step recovery founding fathers, Dr. Montgomery continues to spread Recovery through the members of Hollywood and Vine Recovery Center.

One of the things I found hard to overcome was this feeling deep within my innermost self every time I had to identify as an alcoholic even after years of sobriety. You know how people do positive incantations and speak into the positive what they want…positive energy right? At meetings you have to say several times that you are an alcoholic, you have to identify your entire being as the disease that you are suffering from and never transition to verbalizing recovery. To go even further, those of us that have been gifted recovery as stated in the book are met with pitchforks at local southern California aa meetings if we do not say several times that we are alcoholic…told that we must never forget where we came from! What is that and where does that come from?! We are told to ignore what God has done and is doing for us and identify as the disease that is in remission. What fellowship are the newcomers supposed to be attracted to?

I did not know how much it was effecting me until I was brought on my knees in sobriety to the Hollywood and Vine Recovery Center’s founder looking for any relief from my suffering. I was sick and tired of working my program so hard I was exhausted.

One of the first eye openers was Dr. Montgomery notifying me that Bill W. (one of the founders of 12-step recovery) wrote a letter to central office of Alcoholics Anymous asking why people were starting to identify as alcoholics. He went on to state that this disease we are afflicted with does not define who we are and we are to accept the gift of recovery for those of us who had been granted such a gift.

This is a picture of the Foreward to the first edition…which in many ways is the same as the current Forewards being printed.

It was refreshing, I was not the disease that I suffered from more than I was the recovered mind and body that one day at a time I am gifted

It was refreshing, I was not the disease that I suffered from more than I was the recovered mind and body that one day at a time I am gifted. It is okay to accept the recovery that is promised in these pages and to speak the truth when talking about your disease and this was so freeing for me. 

I urge those who have had the spiritual experience brought on as a result of the 12 steps and that live the life of recovery as promised in the Alcoholics Anonymous book, identify in their recovery at meetings or at least as it states in the book with regards to identifying as “…a member of alcoholics anonymous”. Everywhere you go speak the truth of what God as done for you in your life rather than the disease you suffered from. You may want to go even further and look into exactly what recovery is defined as in the book and ask yourself if you are in fact, Recovered.

At least question whether you are suffering from the disease of addiction, afflicted with the disease of addiction…but you are not the disease of addiction! You are your recovery, and for that you are responsible!

Thus, Bill W. was speaking from the same spiritual place that created this spiritual program when he wrote the letter requesting we stop identifying as alcoholics, we do not have to remind ourselves of our disease every time we open our mouths to speak in a room of Alcoholics Anonymous. If that is your group conscience I hope you speak the truth of what God has done in your life more than you remind others of the disease that is or can be arrested as a result of a spiritual experience. 

Alcoholics are not the only people who take life one day at a time as that is all any of us have-we live in the Eternal Now. 

I hope if you find your spirit suffering you seek a spiritual remedy. I have personally experienced this spiritual program remove the suffering of suicidal adolescents, what some have considered outright mental defects, emotionally disturbed individuals, and mostly have seen many sober alcoholics as of recent surrender to recovery before succumbing to relapse. You do not have to find a spiritual solution….simply seek. You may find yourself on the journey the 12 steps will guide you on, a journey to a new freedom and self actualization most will never know. 

With love and light

A member of Alcoholics Anonymous

From the Top of the Runway…

A member’s journey to Recovery in 3 stages, what it was like-what happened- and what it’s like now.

What HAPPENED

I ran from the pain of my Powerlessness and continued to manage and control my sobriety with all the “things” I was doing while teaching others to do the same-and was being praised for it within my sober circle as a woman with dignity and grace. I wanted to feel good and believe it was all actually working, but I was just as miserable as I was when I was modeling and everything on the outside was perfect. Once again I found myself screaming inside.

It was then I began to Recover. All things human failed me, left and right, and I found no relief from my suffering when I looked outward. I felt worse when I went to my local A.A meetings, therapists, my sober circle, my sponsor, more commitments, less commitments, I could increase the list ad infinitum and still there was no relief. I began a very personal surrender, conceding to my innermost self, and I ceased fighting everyone and everything. I stopped following everyone’s direction for my life and began to experience the suffering I never stopped running from all the years of my being.

I cried with a sober best friend, binged watched shows like Greys Anatomy, gained more weight than my body could comfortably carry, laughed until my stomach hurt, cried until the tears dried up for each event/feeling I mourned, I slept, trusted God, and talked about how I felt both to God and Spiritually Recovered people God had passing through my life during this journey. I simply continued to ask for help and followed intuitive direction from a Power that created me, loved me, and had the Knowledge and Power to fulfill the God-given desires of my spirit -once I was ready to accept them.

I received many messages from those that loved me in sobriety suggesting I get to a meeting as soon as possible or I was going to get drunk, but every day when I asked God “what next ?” the answer was “don’t you run and hide in a meeting” followed by another divine suggestion I followed. I had done everything everyone told me for many years; my mother and family that raised me, society, teachers, friends, agents, my fears guided me, sponsor direction, fear of relapse told me what to do, I could also increase this list ad infinitum. None of that worked when the low spots came. I never picked up a drink because God had removed the obsession from me so it was not a thought, but I was absolutely miserable, hopeless, and felt condemned to a life of working at my emotions with breaks in between. So, I was done.

I began to see the lack of recovery around me in meetings, but I remained to pray- it is all I have ever known praying to a God I may or may not have believed in at that point in my journey. I asked God for help and did what I wanted/was directed to do. I did not know that this was me experiencing Steps 1,2, and 3 rather than the intellectual knowledge of the steps I worked at acquired over the years, but I knew it felt different.

Following Gods direction brought me to Dr. Gloria Montgomery founder of the Hollywood and Vine Recovery Center, who with over 62 years of recovery, guided me through experiencing 12 steps spiritual in nature-in their original form. On this journey I safely experienced trusting and following the intuitive direction of the Power that had been taking care of me my whole life. I was recovering.

Accepting I was Powerless over my emotions, my sobriety, my recovery, my misery, my future, fulling my spirits purpose, my finances, my child, my child’s suffering, and everything else, was the first step. For me, this realization was pain that was unimaginable without the immediate relief of the Step that follows, a pain I love hearing Dr. Montgomery refer to as “Spiritual Surgery.” Coming to believe in a Power greater than me that could and would restore me to sanity that is Step 2. Experiencing coming to believe,again, as I was recovering did not feel like anything I had ever experienced before in sobriety.

I spent a lot of time with recovered spirits, those who knew without a doubt that everything they would go through in life they would not only be safely carried through but it was for their greater good. They were living examples of facing unpleasant emotions and circumstances with the peaceful Power of their Recovery, handling those situations that once baffled us with divine intuitive direction.  I spent time while Coming to Believe (several years sober at this point) with those who shared with me their experience with holding on to the light in spite of how dark it gets, and experiencing all of this at a time when I was able to receive and accept the truth of the experience was a certain kind of coincidence only a Power greater than me could have orchestrated.


Once I Came to Believe in life, I experienced an exhale of so much pain and weight as hope was restored. I felt the pain of mourning my delusions of power and control begin to subside and I was then able to continue follow the intuitive direction I surrendered to on the next step, Step 3. For the first time in life I followed a direction that was not to accomplish some goal I expected to fix a problem, but a direction given intuitively from a Power within that I was happy but skeptical to trust. I began to experience that Power that works in us and through us, each and every one of us.


I continued to experience the Power that lies within each step, including the emotional recovery that happened to me as a result of experiencing steps 6 & 7, for those familiar with the journey. Living in the light of my recovery today is a gift from God through the Spiritual Experience that happened to me as a result of a 12-step experience I trudged, spiritual in its foundation. I have been safely carried through that painful place where I became entirely ready and you will too. I live a life of emotional recovery where the pain of my human emotions has been removed from me and as more is revealed every day, the same constant remains that God is not only carrying me through but everything (the good and the sometimes seemingly bad) is all for my Greater Good. My spirit is free. Although there may be many differences, if my suffering sounds like your suffering you can recover too. No matter who you are or why you hurt, you may be ready to surrender to The Truth of who you are and the desires of your spirit.

Email hollywoodandvinerecovery@gmail.com for help.

What It’s like now

Coming Soon!